Do you have a (least) favourite child?

“The worst part about having kids is when you get one you don’t like. You can choose not to spend time with other people who irritate the hell out of you, but you can’t do that with your kids - you have to go on meeting their needs. You can’t talk to most people about feeling that way either ….” This was part of a comment made by one of my readers a while back and I thought, well, what better time that just after Mother’s Day to discuss a major parenting issue – favouritism.

“It’s a taboo topic - no-one will admit it. But it’s a natural and normal thing to get along with one person better than another, even when those people are your children,” says well-known parenting expert (and author of one of my favourite books) Michael Grose. And, despite the fact that we don’t like to talk about it, favouritism is a more common issue than your parent-guilt might allow you to think.

According to a study done by Professor Julie Fitness, Vice President Academic Senate, Macquarie University, 69 per cent of the study respondents could identify a favourite in their family, and a whopping 80 per cent were able to identify the “black sheep”. The results of Julie’s study are outlined in a paper called “Bye Bye, Black Sheep: The causes and consequences of rejection in family relationships” and it found that the most common reasons for favouritism included:

Birth order: Firstborns or last borns were most likely to be the favourites, with middle children almost never in that coveted role.

Gender: Dads can be harder on sons than they are on daughters for example. Or some families may prefer to have a son than a daughter.

Genetic relatedness: Sometimes we can subconsciously gravitate to the child who is most similar in characteristics to us, or who looks the most like us.

The scapegoat: According to research, having one family member who is blamed for all the tension in a family can help the rest of the family to bond better.

Seeing as favouritism (Or lack of being the favourite) can potentially lead to lifelong problems though – what can be done about it? “Once you’re conscious of it you are less likely to make it obvious,” says Michael Grose. “It’s one of those innate things that just happens though –but at least being conscious of it can help.”

“It’s really important to realise that there’s a difference between loving kids equally and liking them equally. Parents shouldn’t beat themselves up about it though – it’s natural that there will be times when we don’t like our kids, even though we love them.”

Michael explains that there are some important things to do to minimise the impact that your favouritism can have on your kids.

1. Stick to rules and limits. The same rules and limits (within reason) should apply to all of your kids at each age. So, if 10pm is the curfew for 15 year olds, then that should apply to all of your kids when they reach 15.

2. Work with your partner (easier said than done sometimes!) Our partners may often have a different favourite anyway, and they can help to put a different perspective on a situation. Michael describes it as an equalling out effect. So if your partner says something like “Hey, you were really hard on Jane when you said XYZ” .. they’re probably right.

3. Whenever possible, it’s important to have extended family around. Again, this helps to even it out. “The one thing that kids want is to feel special”, says Michael. “Having a grandparent or Uncle or Aunt who favours them can help to fulfil that need.”

“We tend to beat ourselves up about a lot of things that we do as parents,” says Michael. “There are always unacceptable extremes, but putting those aside, in the normal run of the mill of everyday life we say and do things that we regret. But you know, by and large our kids forgive us.”

So – while favouritism is pretty much a taboo topic in face to face conversation, I’d love to get your views on it. Do you have a favourite (or least-favourite) child? And were you a favourite (or least favourite) child?

source: http://www.news.com.au/

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